There are many things I’m thankful for, but one is that my first pregnancy was a normal ole pregnancy. I was able to enjoy the entire process from positive pregnancy test to ultrasounds to delivery. It’s something you take for granted, if you’ve never suffered through a miscarriage. With that first, I was blissfully unaware that miscarriage was even a possibility.

My second pregnancy was different, though. I was six weeks and heading for my first doctor’s appointment and was shocked when there was drops of blood when I wiped. My third pregnancy ended before I even made a doctor’s appointment. I was confused. I had had a healthy pregnancy with my first. Why couldn’t my body hold onto these babies? My heart was broken and I wasn’t sure I could handle this kind of pain any more. Maybe our daughter was just destined to be an only child? I was so super thankful for our healthy, girl. I couldn’t imagine what the pain would be like if I hadn’t had her to hold on to during those miscarriages.

When I saw the positive pregnancy test for our fourth pregnancy, I prayed and prayed, even though I wasn’t a religious person at the time. I wanted this baby so badly. Each trip to the bathroom was filled with dread, hoping there wouldn’t be any signs of a miscarriage. Where my first pregnancy had been full of expectancy, this pregnancy was full of hesitance. Hesitant to announce to family and friends. Hesitant to create a nursery. Hesitant to buy an outfit. Because, what if it all just fell apart?

It didn’t fall apart and in October, we welcomed our second child. I felt such relief to hold him in my arms. When I became pregnant again (fifth pregnancy, in case you want to keep count), I was hopeful that all would go well. I’d had two successful pregnancies. I had recently become a Christian and just knew this baby was a gift from God.

But it didn’t end the way I wanted it to. In a way, this was the hardest miscarriage of all, because I was so certain and hopeful. I had an early ultrasound, due to my history, and we saw a baby. I came back two weeks later and there wasn’t a heartbeat, even though there should have been. Another ultrasound was scheduled for a week later. I prayed during that week like I’ve never prayed before. I prayed there would be a miracle, that we’d see a heartbeat. In the end, I had to have a DNC because my body wouldn’t miscarry on its own.

When I became pregnant again (number six), there was a numbness. I couldn’t allow myself to feel happiness. I wanted the baby too much to let myself get too attached, only to be disappointed if I miscarried yet again. I didn’t miscarry though. We welcomed another beautiful baby boy to our family.

Pregnancy number seven ended with a baby in our arms too. Asher and Eleanor are the only two successful pregnancies I have had back to back.